I'm Never A Fag
by anatagasuki
Summary: I’m never a fag. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.


Title: I'm Never a Fag  
Pairing: FujiTezuka (perfect pair)  
Genre: Drama, Romance  
Author: anatagasuki

_I'm never a fag. But that doesn't mean I don't love you._

* * *

The biting chill of the night almost froze me half to death. That doesn't mean I even care about that.

I only long to see a pair of bright amber eyes, usually tinted with sheer authority and dominance and covered with clear eyeglasses. I only cherish to feel the soft, flawless skin, normally coated with sweat from tennis practice. I only miss the silky strands of chocolate hair, always in a neat fold.

Well, except for one time he could possible remember…

When he lay in his bed, panting roughly; his eyes closed as I kiss him softly.

I breezed through my life quite smoothly. I was never out of cash, always fed with praise and attention, adored by most of the girls, had no problem with grades, and as they say, good in tennis.

But Tezuka Kunimitsu was always, and is still, a snowstorm that hits everyone and leaves them half someone they used to be. And even tensais like me were no exception.

After a week or two I knew my life had been completely different.

I loved Tezuka's simple intellect and silence, while he must've liked my companionship and friendship; for if not that he never should've been this close a friend to me.

But I'm a foolish dreamer. I dared to hope anything more than that.

The idea of me liking guys was weird and even nauseating. In fact I had spent a long time dwelling on it and denying it. The chant was the same all the time: I'm not a fag."

But as I tried desperately to reject the urging feeling, the more I was tempted to indulge in it. And so when my binds snapped and my logic broke, I began to sinfully succumb to it.

And I admitted, finally, that I was in love with Kunimitsu Tezuka. Maybe even a long time ago.

There was a problem though.

Tezuka was not a fag. Never.

And he proved it to me.

_The chains that bound me were everywhere, but I just had to._

* * *

People set limits on others. Especially Tezuka. Being the only child of his family and the captain of the tennis club, he had great responsibility.

But I too, had those responsibilities. I always thought of Tezuka first.

And so, hoping that he does too, I said it straight before I chickened out.

"I love you, Mitsu."

I got the response I never expected, not even once in my wildest dreams.

Tezuka laughed. Bitterly at that.

The first time I heard him do that.

But the time was not just _too_ good.

"I'm not gay, Fuji."

* * *

_I wanted to shed the tears that could fill the earth, but it was useless. Because you won't be there to even recognize._

* * *

The next day I acted as if nothing happened. The same smile on my face, the same way I greeted everybody, the same way I stuck around with Tezuka. Minor surprise was etched on my buchou's face, but I pretended not to see. Not to know. Not to feel the pain.

Because I treasured that cherished friendship more than anything.

And I'm willing to throw my feelings over the window for it.

* * *

_My mask never raised a question. But you do know you've hurt me. And you never cared._

* * *

I never trusted his girlfriend.

Haruhi Kotogawa was just plain impulsive.

And yet Tezuka loved her, and I had to love her too, not matter what.

_No matter what._

_No matter what._

The three words filled my head like a last song syndrome, drowning my pain and love for Mitsu even for a while.

But I didn't really expect to see that scene though.

The scene where Tezuka was almost eating her up on his coach in his flat that ordinary Sunday evening.

The smile on my face faded.

I dropped the medicines I held.

Maybe the _first_ one to take care of Tezuka when he's sick must be his girlfriend, not me.

* * *

_It was too much to bear, but I carried it for you._

* * *

But when I opened my door on one rainy midnight I found you drenched on my footstep.

And you clung on me, two arms on my neck.

And you hugged me.

And you kissed me.

And I kissed you back.

You never said a thing, but it was okay. I was willing to give my everything to you that night, even if you had another lover. You may call it ridiculous foolishness but that was that.

I don't care.

I love Kunimitsu Tezuka, that's all.

* * *

_I gave all I had and yet the next is what I hadn't expected._

* * *

The next day, you pranced about with her, like nothing happened between us.

I felt my head grow bigger in realization of what was happening. The familiar spark of pain gobbled up my insides and I felt my body tense in both anguish and rage.

Fuck it. So now you just used me for your sex life?

I thought you were my friend?

Yet I cannot hate you, Captain Tezuka. Because I love you.

* * *

_You got what you needed then you left me to choke the dust._

* * *

I hear footsteps and my mind comes back to the present. The rustle of the grass reflected the shining moonlight and the ample light from the lamppost. My eyes shook open when I recognized your face.

We stood there for a few seconds. A minute. Two.

Then your feet lowly paddled on the blades of fresh grass.

Then you stepped faster and faster. Then you ran.

My eyes opened wide in shock.

Then you hugged me.

Then you cried.

You cried soundlessly but I could feel the soft tremor of your shoulders.

Then you kissed me. Hard. Then you clenched your fists tightly around mine.

"So, Tezuka Kunimitsu, back for another steamy night?" I asked half-sarcastically and half-teasingly.

Silence.

Then a sigh which I cannot interpret.

"I was never a fag, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

I never really was one to ask questions anyway.

**OWARI**

A/N: Shonen-ai in its most stupid form. Bear with me, please! Hectic shed. Period. Ouch. Good thing that there are no classes today due to a signal three storm, or else this won't be here. Not that anyone likes it anyway. Ha, ha, ha! (I know it's a lame joke, but as I said, please bear with me)


End file.
